Thursday, 15 March 2012

I’m Super-Rich, Get Me into the White House

The super-rich, deeply anxious that another term for Obama might hinder their exploitation of the other 99%, are determined to win back control of the White House. We have obtained a copy of their five-point guide for all Republican candidates to follow in the race for the Presidency:

No.1: Let the Rich Pay Less – Make the Rest Pay More

Promise you will cut taxes on capital gains and corporate income, and insist this will lift the burden on everyone when in fact it would only benefit the wealthy. Deny such tax cuts would make the public budget deficit even worse, because you will more than compensate for the loss of revenue by slashing welfare support by billions of dollars. Remember to look sincerely into the camera when you say that it’s best for the poor to learn to take care of themselves.

No.2: Free Movement for the Rich – Tight Controls for the Rest
While the rich and their money must continue to go wherever they want, loudly proclaim that poor people will not be allowed to sneak into our country. Remind everyone that it’s not the American Way to let people from abroad build a new home here. Serving illegal immigrants up as scapegoats is the one promise you will make to our indigenous poor. Come up with whatever device you wish (electrified fence, drone planes, genetically modified dogs) to keep (poor) foreigners out.

No.3: Keep the Rich Healthy – Forget about the Rest
Dismantle Obama’s reforms, as they might broaden access to quality healthcare for people who are far from rich. Tell the voters that unlike socialist Europe, it is not the business of the American government to be concerned with whether poor and sick people live or die. If they haven’t got a job that gets them health insurance, they have only themselves to blame.

No.4: Preach a Pro-Mammon but Anti-Gay Gospel
Ignore what Jesus said about how unlikely the rich would enter the kingdom of heaven, do nothing about the irresponsible predilections of deregulated banks, but focus on the spiritual importance of opposing gay marriage and banning abortion. Drape yourself with an American flag at all times lest you sound too much like an Islamic fundamentalist (see No.5 below).

No.5: Play the Middle East Card

As the Bin Laden card has been neutralised by Obama, pick another Middle Eastern villain. Syria is killing its own citizens, so don’t make that your priority. Go for Iran, because it is utterly unacceptable for any country to have nuclear weapons in the Middle East (except for Israel). Scaring people about the Middle East deflects attention from how we treat the poor at home, and helps our rich friends in the arms industry sell billions more dollars worth of deadly weapons over there.

[Note: All the Republican candidates have closely followed this five-point guide, with the exception of Ron Paul who doesn’t buy the anti-Iran stance of No.5, and of the remaining four candidates still in the race, he’s the only one who hasn’t won a single state in the Republican contest so far.]

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