Familiarity Breeds Connections

There are people who, because they lacked the opportunity when they were young to experience trusting, positive interactions with members of certain groups (characterised by ethnicity, gender, religion, etc), end up becoming distrustful, even instinctively resentful, towards those groups in general. They do not feel comfortable at the thought of being near people from those groups. Eventually, what is uppermost in their minds is segregation – keep immigrants away, keep ‘aliens’ out of their neighbourhoods, keep women from the workplace, keep gays out of the army, etc. 

To make things worse, there are charlatans who seek to make their political fortunes from stoking the fear and animosity of the segregation-minded, and many of them have won electoral backing with their ‘populist’ offer of racism, misogyny, and homophobia. 

Instead of conceding to their agenda of dividing people into an ill-defined ‘us’ and a prejudice-filled ‘them’, we should support the widening and deepening of human connections. The more opportunities people have to become familiar with each other, to see one another as having similar emotions, of capable of sharing experiences, of working together, the more immune they are to lies and distortions spread about ‘others’.

But how can this be done? Isn’t it so much pie in the sky? In reality, there are numerous ways – tried and tested – that can promote positive familiarity. Here are four types that should be more widely utilised.

First of all, at the most basic level, there are simple ‘meet and greet’ events. For example, intergenerational functions bringing young and elderly people together, with a few tasty snacks and drinks, have helped to turn mutual suspicion into friendly exchange and support. Neighbourhood gatherings have enabled people who have not known each other’s cultures or customs to share different types of food and music, and get to know and appreciate one another.

Secondly, there are many ways to arrange for people with diverse backgrounds to work together on a common task. Cooperative school projects have proven to get young people to go from viewing ‘newcomers’ as interlopers to regarding them as valued teammates. Community activities – from local clean-up to collective monitoring for safety concerns – build trust and appreciation among those who were otherwise strangers.

Thirdly, we have considerable evidence on how deliberative decision-making techniques can help overcome disagreement. Planning for Real, for example, has made it possible for residents who had very different views about how their local area should be altered or regenerated, to exchange ideas constructively with the help of a 3-D model of the area, and move towards a consensus of their own making. Participatory Budgeting allows people to present and consider explanations to and from each other regarding competing options to spend public money, and consider with shared understanding which options to revise/support.

Last but not least, even where people have had relationships broken because one has actually hurt another, or both sides have been drawn into a violent conflict, restorative justice sessions or reconciliation commissions have contributed to mending shattered trusts, and reconnecting people – by facilitating in-depth discussions so that those involved can have a real chance to explore pain, remorse, new commitments, and hope.

Keeping people apart is all segregationists know – for them, walls maintain ignorance, distrust, susceptibility to anger and hate.  Familiarity, on the other hand, breeds connections. Countless case studies attest to their impact on bringing people together, leading to enhanced understanding, trust, and cooperation.

The Morality of Retaliation

Imagine someone from a building goes across town to a quiet neighbourhood and throws a grenade into a house, killing three people inside. The survivors in the house and their neighbours then set off with guns and bombs and head towards the building where the culprit is known to live.  They are told that a few people there might be friends of the killer, but the vast majority of the building’s residents have nothing to do with him. Nonetheless, consumed by the desire for vengeance, the now heavily armed group launch an all-out attack on the building, killing hundreds of defenceless people – children amongst the innocent victims. They insist that they just want to make sure the original murderer does not escape, and they cannot be blamed for the deaths they cause.

No government in the world, or any sane person for that matter, would for one moment accept what the killing mob have done as a legitimate response to what had previously happened, or tolerate it, let alone help them commit such atrocities.

Imagine now some terrorists have taken control of a county in the UK or the US. They declare themselves the administrator for that county, and one day they launch missiles at X, a foreign country, killing thousands of people there because they hate X.  The government of X announces its retaliation plan which involves shooting, bombing, starving, hundreds of thousands of people in the terrorist-run county.  The vast majority of those who are to be killed as a result do not support the terrorists, they do not support the launching of the missiles at X, they just want to live in peace. But in the name of hunting down the terrorists, the government of X keeps escalating their military actions even as dead bodies of innocent victim keep piling up.

What should be done?  The terrorists who launched deadly missiles should be brought to justice, certainly. What about the vengeance-seekers who order the mass killing of innocent people in that unfortunate county? Should they be aided with more guns and weapons? Or should they be stopped from taking even more lives?  

If we were residents of X ourselves, we might be caught up in the shock and anger, and if someone says with the press of a button, the terrorists responsible would be erased from the face of the earth, we might be all for pressing it. But what if that would cause the deaths of hundreds of thousands of innocent people as well – would we still want that button pressed?

Think now of being stuck in the cursed county. The people in control make all kinds of outrageous decisions. There’s nothing we can do. Nobody outside is going to help us. Instead, when the murderous people in charge set about killing people in another land, we get caught up in the retaliation and face being shot and bombed because there is nowhere else we can go.

Sometimes it is difficult to determine if an act is morally wrong or not.  Then there are times when it is the easiest thing in the world to recognise that killing hundreds of thousands of innocent people is unforgivably evil.